A really dumb Star Trek Parody
by The Wallflower
Summary: What do you want? It's a parody of Star Trek I wrote during the first season of Voyager.


A Really Dumb Star Trek Parody

brought to you by

Tribbles: Cute and fuzzy and help you lose weight. How? They eat

everything you own!

and by

The Galactic Warp Speed Limit Commission: Warp 5; it's not just a good

idea, its the law.

And now on with the show.

**The players**

Captain Mainway

Harry Skim

Chak O.K.

Banana Torres

Tom Parish

Tooknock

Rick Berman

James Kirk

Dada

Norf

Scene: U.S.S. Voyeur in space stock shot #3

MAINWAY: Captains log: Stardate 2 million or whatever.Who cares?No

one's going to read this anyway since we're 70,000 light years from home

and its going to take 75 years to get there.

SKIM: We're down to 73!

CREW: Yay!

MAINWAY: Anyway, I just finished watching The Joy of Cooking Neelix,

uh, With Neelix, and now we are beginning our day.

MAINWAY: (Briefing room) Well, crew, we must think of a plot for this

episode.

PARISH: Let's do a weird disease.

BANANA: No, I want a kidnapped crewman.

SKIM: No, a space anomaly.

MAINWAY: Quiet, quiet. We'll do this as we always do. (picks up hat and

takes out a piece of paper) and it is a... (reads paper) space anomaly.

EVERYBODY EXCEPT SKIM: Awwwww. (red alert klaxons sound and crew walks

out of briefing room.)

MAINWAY: Where the hell are we?

TOOKNOCK: Captain, we seem to have been transported to a new world

against our will. This place is dark and filled with a new species who sit 

around and eat donuts.

RICK BERMAN: What are you doing? Get back on the set!

MAINWAY: They seem hostile. Set phasers to stun.

RICK BERMAN: You stun me and you can take a 10% pay cut.

MAINWAY: ... O.K. back to the ship. (Crew steps onto bridge set and

assumes positions.)

SKIM: Captain, we are encountering a...(pause)

MAINWAY: Well, what is it?

SKIM: Hang on, I'm checking the technobabble generator. It mixes

prefixes, suffixes, and root words to form new and different anomalys and

equipment. Oooh, here's a nice one: Spatial axionic flux string.

PARISH: Oh, let me try. (grabs PADD from Skim) Hey, it's a quasisub-

harmonic vertion filament. (Presses a few buttons) How about this one:

Ambient plasmodic retrobeam.

MAINWAY: All right, we get the idea. Mr., I mean Miss Torres, what do

we know about the wormhole?

BANANA: It seems to be some sort of time/space vortex.

MAINWAY: I meant something new.

BANANA: I think it goes into the Alpha Quadrant.

MAINWAY: Quick! Beam anything that moves over here, NOW! BEFORE IT GETS

AWAY! (Transporter energizes, forms of Kirk, Boney, and Norf beam over.) Oh 

no not another lame crossover episode.

PARISH: Hey? I like those episodes.

MAINWAY: Yeah, but now I have to go do my diplomatic tactics, like

those ever work. (sighs and goes over to Kirk) Mr. Kirk it's a-. Wait a

minute, didn't you die in Generations? (Whispering in background)

KIRK: Ha, ha, ha, ha! You haven't seen the last of me! I'll be back!

(Drops smoke bomb and disappears as he laughs maniacly.)

MAINWAY: (Turns to Boney) Mr. Coy-.

BONEY: McCoy, but call me Boney.

MAINWAY: I'll call you whatever I darn well please. This is my ship and

I'm in command! But it's a pleasure to have you onboard and I'd like to

present you with this award for "Actor with most wrinkles", previously held

by Jabba the Hutt.

BONEY: Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not an actor.

PARISH: That's for sure.

MAINWAY: Quiet you. (Turns to Dada) Mr. Dada, so nice to meet you.

DADA: Thank you captain. I'm, (sniff, sniff) it's just so beautiful

here I'm (sniff, sniff).

BANANA: What a wimp.

DADA: What! Why you little... (Goes to Banana and lifts her up by the

neck, realizes what he's doing, and sets her down) Sorry captain, my

emotion chip is feeding me a new sensation called PMS. It creates emotions

randomly at 10 times their strength.

BANANA: I know what that's like.

DADA: Next movie I hear I'm getting genitalia.

MAINWAY: (Goes to Norf) Mr. Norf, you have a different uniform on?

NORF: I accepted a transfer to Deep Space Nine in order to serve as a

liaison to the Klingon Empire.

MAINWAY: Are we at war again?

NORF: I dunno, I just wanted to get away from that kid. Dumped him at

my parents again.

MAINWAY: Yeah, that's what I did with my dog.

NORF: Besides, have you ever seen a Star Trek actor have a career

outside this set, besides doing Colgate commercials and lame documentary

shows?

DADA: I did, I did!

NORF: Yeah, right, you died after seven minutes in Independence Day and

had one scene in Phenomenom.

DADA: I had an opening credit. (Meanwhile, Boney is associating with

the crew.)

BONEY: (To Chak O.K.) Hey, where'd you get that neat tatoo?

CHAK O.K.: Tatoo? What Tatoo? (Feels forehead and tatoo smears on hand)

All right, who's been drawing on my head while I was sleeping?!

(Silence. Parish snickers.)

(Chak O.K. runs to turbolift to clean up face.)

BONEY: (To Tooknock) So, another green-blooded, logic-lovin' Vulcan,

eh?

TOOKNOCK: Yes, admiral, I am a Vulcan and I will ignore your insults

because it would not be logical to use violence against an illogical human.

BONEY: Yeah, well you can take your pointy ears and stick 'em in your

Pon Farr.

TOOKNOCK: O.K. that was personal (Starts punching Boney's lights out)

BONEY: Dammit Jim I'm a doctor, not a fighter.

TOOKNOCK: (keeps smashing into him until he's knocked out) You want

some more of that? HUH? DO YA? (Returns calmly to post

DADA & TOOKNOCK: Captain, there's a Kazon warship off the starboard

bow. Hey, stop that. It's my job to find stuff. Cut that out. I mean it.

CHAK O.K.: (Chak O.K. comes out of turbolift) Hey,

captain, did you know there's a Kazon warship out there?

MAINWAY: Thanks, Chak I didn't notice. Fire all phasers. (Ship fires

phasers. They fire back. Show battle scenes from Basics)

PARISH: That's it. Signal our surrender.

MAINWAY: What? We haven't even begun to fight.

PARISH: Yeah, I know, but I really need to go to the bathroom!(Runs

into side door with hands between legs)

MAINWAY: Hey, that's the briefing room!

CHAK O.K.: Captain, I know. Let's send out one of our shuttlecrafts to

blow the tribbles out of them.

MAINWAY: Yeah, that always works. Make it so.

DADA: Hey, that's Picard's line.

MAINWAY: Get Parish out of my briefing room and get him into the

shuttlecraft.

CHAK O.K.: (Chak O.K. goes to the briefing room and Parish comes out

before Chak O.K. can enter) I hope you realized that wasn't the bathroom.

PARISH: What? Oh, yeah, right.

CHAK O.K.: Now get your indicted keister to the shuttlebay and launch a

shuttlecraft.

PARISH: (Parish goes into shuttlebay to launch shuttlecraft) Captain,

I'm ready to engage thrusters and stuff.

MAINWAY: Go ahead. (Shuttlecraft leaving shuttlebay stock shot #29)

PARISH: (camera shaking to instill sense of danger) Captain, I'm

experiencing some turbulence.

MAINWAY: Then tell the guy to stop shaking the camera.

PARISH: Hey, you with the camera. Stop moving that thing around.

(camera stops shaking) That's better. Now I have a clear shot.

MAINWAY: Give 'em hell, Parish.

PARISH: Aye sir! (Presses some buttons, but nothing happens) 

MAINWAY: Mr. Parish?

PARISH: I don't understand... (presses some more buttons and opens

control panel lid. Finds some Supervolt batteries) Noooooooo!

NARRATOR: It keeps going, and going, and going...

MAINWAY: O.K. enough of this, fire everything we got.

CHAK O.K.: No wait, we've got to conserve... (but its too late and

Voyeur fires everything but the kitchen sink. Kazon ship explodes in Cool

Explosion #58)

CHAK O.K.: Well, that's just great. Not only are we weaponless now, but

the explosion closed the rift.

BONEY & DADA & NORF: NOOOOOOOOOOOO! We can't be trapped on this crummy

little ship!

MAINWAY: I guess you are. But while you're here you may as well earn

your keep. Everyone's gonna get a job and like it. Dada, you'll replace

Skim at operations. He'll help Neelix with cooking now.

SKIM: Hey, wait a minute.

MAINWAY: Norf, you can be security and Boney will be CMO.

BONEY: Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a... oh wait, never mind.

(and so everybody gets a job on the U.S.S. Voyeur. Tooknock gets sick

of Boney's insults about Vulcan and kills him. He is currently serving 5 to

10 in his quarters and spends the rest of his days melding with Suder.

Norf tries to come on to Banana and gets his Mr. Happy ripped off and

shoved down his throat. Dada goes insane from the onslaught of emotions and

was last seen dancing on the warp core, singing his "Ode to Spot" in

falsetto. The rest of the crew falls victim to a ratings blight and gets

sucked into a huge black hole in the plot)

THE FREAKIN' END


End file.
